February 13, 2012 Been thinking alot about death again. To me that is one of the main things that leads to my manic bipolar days. I fully understand death. I fully understand that the ones we loose are far better off than we are. Just as I know when I get to heaven one day, I will no longer suffer from a 'Broken Mind'. It just feels like death just lingers around over my mind constantly.
I really dont think it is the mourning that I still suffer. I think it is the confusion of how my mind deals and processes death AS it happens. Looking back now I would have handled the loose of my child along with the loose of my Grandfather differently. I would not have jammed them both together. I would have mourned them separately for the people they were.
I haved learned that when you suffer from Bipolar disease, you react so different from other people on how your brain processes ANYTHING. It just does not slow down to deal with it rationally. When any type of conflict arises, no matter how big or small, your brain turns into the equivalent of 500 people in your mind screaming at the same time and you cant decifer not one voice, so therefore, you really have no control over your reaction because you cant even process your own thoughts. I think your own thoughts from these moments build up, and when your at a low, and things seem 'quiet', these built up things will jump up in your mind from no where. You wonder why in the world you are even thinking such things. Each one of those people you loose, all of a sudden you are grieving and mourning them at the same time. That is where your medication is so important. It is very important that you grieve each one of these people, and your medication will slow down your mind so you can do just that. Iit hurts, its not pretty, but it is VERY IMPORTANT.
That is where I am right now. I have been on medication since December 29, 2011. I am now dealing with the loose of my child, my Grandfather, my Grandmother, and my best friend. They all passed couples. My Grandfather and my child. and thenem my Grandmother and my best friend. They have all hit me at once, but I am separating them into the individuals they were and am saying 'I will see you again' in my own way to each one of them.
The biggest guilt is I was not there for my children through these deaths. How could I be? I wasnt even there for myself. I cant go back in time and change things. I cant go back and have started medication when I was a young adult. I can just start for now.
There are days now when I just dont want to speak a word. I suppose my kids and husband think that I am in an ill mood, or having one of my spells, when actually, I am just thinking of things and processing things I should have years ago. When you go so many years and you havent processed one thought in 40 years, it will give you alot to think about.
So, as for today......I will love my family. I will try and react and handle life as I should, and I will take this one day at a time.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
My Christmas Gift
If you would have asked me on Christmas day if I would be waking up in a mental hospital two days later I would have laughed hysterically. I mean really, a hospital stay???? NO WAY! In my life I thought not only did I not have time, but who else would be in control of my family? No one could take care of my family but me. I am the one who holds us all together. But little did I realize, I was also the only one who was truly tearing us apart and causing my family so much grief and worry.
I have always known I was different. Even years ago as a teen. I had convinced myself that I was just a bad ass who could handle much more than the average teen. And as life progressed, could handle much more than the average adult. BUT, as the years went on I was having to drink more alcohol, and take more pills of any kind in order to do so. I HAD to be strong. Being married to an alcoholic, with kids to raise, I just did not have time to acknowledge the fact that I was sick. It did not even seem strange to me that I could go days at a time with no sleep. This lack of sleep was not due to drugs, or pills of any form, this was just me, in my normal mind. I seriously thought it was normal not to sleep for days.
In my 'Broken Mind', I was just a spoiled brat child/adult who threw fits to get my way, and to make people do what ever I wanted them to do. I was the master manipulator, but I did not see it as manipulation, I just saw it as I was the smartest, with the best ideas, and made the best life choices for everyone, so therefore they should mind me.....but then on December 27, 2011, I BROKE. I do not remember anything that happened as far back as December 20. I do know that I made it to my youngest daughters surprise 18th birthday party. That night is blurry, but from then on, I just do not remember anything. On December 29, when I woke with a clear head, I was in a mental hospital. When I found out where I was, I WAS FURIOUS!!! And that is describing it mildly. Once I started thinking really hard I could remember ambulance rides, screaming at my sister, and being in a dark room with my Mother speaking very sweetly and softly to me. What bothered me the most was not remembering what my Mother was saying to me, it was the look of total heartbreak on her face. Although I did not know why, I DID know I had caused her that heartbreak.
For the first time in my life, at the age of 39 years old, I was scared. I walked out of the room I was in and found out that I was indeed, in a mental facility. Soon after I saw my pshyciatrist for the first time and convinced her, despite the fact that I had tried to kill myself apparently with a HAND FULL of pills, that I was fine, I had no business being there, and I needed to go home to my family who could not function without me. And......I succeeded! She wrote the order to send me home. I walked out of the room and called my husband and told him to come pick me up. WRONG! He, as well as the rest of my family, had finally put their foot down to my 'Broken Minded' self. He made one phone call to the psychiatrist, and POOF.....I was officially on vacation for awhile on the mental ward. So now you see what a talented manipulator I was......I FOOLED A PSYCHIATRIST! Now THAT takes true talent.
At that point, after I made several HORRIBLE phone calls to my husband, who assured me that OH YES I WAS GOING TO STAY, AND I WAS FINALLY GOING TO GET HELP! I started racking my brain on what I needed to do to get out of that place because I just knew I was not bad enough to be in a hospital, and while I was being held there against my will, WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO MY FAMILY WITHOUT ME THERE?????? I was at that point hitting full panic mode. My son was only 9 years old, and I was his homeschool teacher, my youngest daughter was a senior in highschool, and was in the midst of her final basketball season. Not to mention my 20 year old who was living with her boyfriend in their own home, but I STILL needed to talk to her everyday to know that she was okay and safe and healthy.
For 20 years I had done this job. I had created a world where my husband was the bread winner, and I was the glue that held us together and orchestrated every single decision made for our family. Although my husband had been sober for 2 years, the decisions WERE STILL MINE.
After calming down and realizing that my main goal now had to be getting the hell out of the mental facility, I started doing alot of reflecting. I had been put on some meds, and taken off of some meds that were actually not helping like I thought they were. The meds my doctor had put me on were slowing my 'Broken Mind' down so that I could actually process my thoughts clearly for the first time in my life that I could ever remember. I knew I had to start going to the several group sessions held 4 times a day so that it would look good on me. And then, the weirdest thing happened......I started going to my room at 10:30 pm every night and laying my head on the pillow and actually started GOING TO SLEEP ON MY OWN! I never thought that would be possible in my lifetime.
So, with a good nights sleep, and going to group 4 times a day just to pacify the doc so I could go home, I saw myself actually participating in group sessions, and they were helping me!!!!
The same day I was admitted there was also another lady admitted. It took me a couple of days to get my barrings, but I struck up a friendship with her through group. The day after we were admitted another two women were admitted. As we all attended group together I was realizing that we were not there because we were CRAZY, we were all four there for just four individual life problems. Setting after each group session, at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and during free time, these three women and myself would just talk. Sometimes we talked of our problems that landed us in this mental ffacility, but alot of the time we had some of the best laughs I have ever had in my life. Little did I know, that in the midst of this hospital stay, I had struck up a lifetime friendship with three of the most ordinary, but greatest women I had ever met. They did not judge me for my eccentric, crazy, controlling, paranoid personality......THEY ACCEPTED ME FOR ME!!!
Four days in to my stay my husband came in for a session with my phyciatrist and myself. For the first time in my life, at age 39, I was diagnosed as being CLASS 1 BI-POLAR. For many people I think would have been offended, or in denial of this, but as for me, I was RELIEVED! After all those years of feeling so different from everyone else, and feeling so alienated, I was so happy to finally hear, that yes, there was a name for what was wrong with me, and yes, I could get help, and yes, that I could learn from this hospital stay how to be educated on it, and learn how to help deal with this illness.
After an 8 day 'vacation' in the hospital, with my new best friends, which included staying for New Years Eve 2011, I was released. I was happy, but at the same time scared to death to leave. My friends had been discharged the day before, so my last night there was a very anxious, and nervous night. I was the only one of us that had been diagnosed as bi-polar, their problems were of other categories, but I had still felt so safe and accepted as long as they were there. I wasnt sure what I would be walking into when I left that hospital. I knew I was medicated and was sleeping and had a hold on my racing, 'Broken Mind', but I could not help but wonder how the out side world was going to accept me. I know the label that is automatically put on people who have had a stay at a mental hospital. Most of all, I did not remember what I had done or said to my family and would they be so feed up with me that they had wrote me off for good.
Thank the GOOD LORD, my husband and kids and sister and parents done nothing but show me love, and forgiveness for my OUTRAGEOUS behavior, and showed me, and still do...TOTAL SUPPORT~
So, if you are a fellow member of the Bi-Polar community, follow my blog and we will take this jjourney together. Or even if you are not the one with Bi-Polar, if it is a family member, or friend, feel free to follow just to get some understanding of coping with a 'Broken Mind'.
Until next time.........
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY
TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE~
I have always known I was different. Even years ago as a teen. I had convinced myself that I was just a bad ass who could handle much more than the average teen. And as life progressed, could handle much more than the average adult. BUT, as the years went on I was having to drink more alcohol, and take more pills of any kind in order to do so. I HAD to be strong. Being married to an alcoholic, with kids to raise, I just did not have time to acknowledge the fact that I was sick. It did not even seem strange to me that I could go days at a time with no sleep. This lack of sleep was not due to drugs, or pills of any form, this was just me, in my normal mind. I seriously thought it was normal not to sleep for days.
In my 'Broken Mind', I was just a spoiled brat child/adult who threw fits to get my way, and to make people do what ever I wanted them to do. I was the master manipulator, but I did not see it as manipulation, I just saw it as I was the smartest, with the best ideas, and made the best life choices for everyone, so therefore they should mind me.....but then on December 27, 2011, I BROKE. I do not remember anything that happened as far back as December 20. I do know that I made it to my youngest daughters surprise 18th birthday party. That night is blurry, but from then on, I just do not remember anything. On December 29, when I woke with a clear head, I was in a mental hospital. When I found out where I was, I WAS FURIOUS!!! And that is describing it mildly. Once I started thinking really hard I could remember ambulance rides, screaming at my sister, and being in a dark room with my Mother speaking very sweetly and softly to me. What bothered me the most was not remembering what my Mother was saying to me, it was the look of total heartbreak on her face. Although I did not know why, I DID know I had caused her that heartbreak.
For the first time in my life, at the age of 39 years old, I was scared. I walked out of the room I was in and found out that I was indeed, in a mental facility. Soon after I saw my pshyciatrist for the first time and convinced her, despite the fact that I had tried to kill myself apparently with a HAND FULL of pills, that I was fine, I had no business being there, and I needed to go home to my family who could not function without me. And......I succeeded! She wrote the order to send me home. I walked out of the room and called my husband and told him to come pick me up. WRONG! He, as well as the rest of my family, had finally put their foot down to my 'Broken Minded' self. He made one phone call to the psychiatrist, and POOF.....I was officially on vacation for awhile on the mental ward. So now you see what a talented manipulator I was......I FOOLED A PSYCHIATRIST! Now THAT takes true talent.
At that point, after I made several HORRIBLE phone calls to my husband, who assured me that OH YES I WAS GOING TO STAY, AND I WAS FINALLY GOING TO GET HELP! I started racking my brain on what I needed to do to get out of that place because I just knew I was not bad enough to be in a hospital, and while I was being held there against my will, WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO MY FAMILY WITHOUT ME THERE?????? I was at that point hitting full panic mode. My son was only 9 years old, and I was his homeschool teacher, my youngest daughter was a senior in highschool, and was in the midst of her final basketball season. Not to mention my 20 year old who was living with her boyfriend in their own home, but I STILL needed to talk to her everyday to know that she was okay and safe and healthy.
For 20 years I had done this job. I had created a world where my husband was the bread winner, and I was the glue that held us together and orchestrated every single decision made for our family. Although my husband had been sober for 2 years, the decisions WERE STILL MINE.
After calming down and realizing that my main goal now had to be getting the hell out of the mental facility, I started doing alot of reflecting. I had been put on some meds, and taken off of some meds that were actually not helping like I thought they were. The meds my doctor had put me on were slowing my 'Broken Mind' down so that I could actually process my thoughts clearly for the first time in my life that I could ever remember. I knew I had to start going to the several group sessions held 4 times a day so that it would look good on me. And then, the weirdest thing happened......I started going to my room at 10:30 pm every night and laying my head on the pillow and actually started GOING TO SLEEP ON MY OWN! I never thought that would be possible in my lifetime.
So, with a good nights sleep, and going to group 4 times a day just to pacify the doc so I could go home, I saw myself actually participating in group sessions, and they were helping me!!!!
The same day I was admitted there was also another lady admitted. It took me a couple of days to get my barrings, but I struck up a friendship with her through group. The day after we were admitted another two women were admitted. As we all attended group together I was realizing that we were not there because we were CRAZY, we were all four there for just four individual life problems. Setting after each group session, at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and during free time, these three women and myself would just talk. Sometimes we talked of our problems that landed us in this mental ffacility, but alot of the time we had some of the best laughs I have ever had in my life. Little did I know, that in the midst of this hospital stay, I had struck up a lifetime friendship with three of the most ordinary, but greatest women I had ever met. They did not judge me for my eccentric, crazy, controlling, paranoid personality......THEY ACCEPTED ME FOR ME!!!
Four days in to my stay my husband came in for a session with my phyciatrist and myself. For the first time in my life, at age 39, I was diagnosed as being CLASS 1 BI-POLAR. For many people I think would have been offended, or in denial of this, but as for me, I was RELIEVED! After all those years of feeling so different from everyone else, and feeling so alienated, I was so happy to finally hear, that yes, there was a name for what was wrong with me, and yes, I could get help, and yes, that I could learn from this hospital stay how to be educated on it, and learn how to help deal with this illness.
After an 8 day 'vacation' in the hospital, with my new best friends, which included staying for New Years Eve 2011, I was released. I was happy, but at the same time scared to death to leave. My friends had been discharged the day before, so my last night there was a very anxious, and nervous night. I was the only one of us that had been diagnosed as bi-polar, their problems were of other categories, but I had still felt so safe and accepted as long as they were there. I wasnt sure what I would be walking into when I left that hospital. I knew I was medicated and was sleeping and had a hold on my racing, 'Broken Mind', but I could not help but wonder how the out side world was going to accept me. I know the label that is automatically put on people who have had a stay at a mental hospital. Most of all, I did not remember what I had done or said to my family and would they be so feed up with me that they had wrote me off for good.
Thank the GOOD LORD, my husband and kids and sister and parents done nothing but show me love, and forgiveness for my OUTRAGEOUS behavior, and showed me, and still do...TOTAL SUPPORT~
So, if you are a fellow member of the Bi-Polar community, follow my blog and we will take this jjourney together. Or even if you are not the one with Bi-Polar, if it is a family member, or friend, feel free to follow just to get some understanding of coping with a 'Broken Mind'.
Until next time.........
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY
TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE~
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