Monday, February 13, 2012

What You Cant Take Back

February 13, 2012 Been thinking alot about death again. To me that is one of the main things that leads to my manic bipolar days. I fully understand death. I fully understand that the ones we loose are far better off than we are. Just as I know when I get to heaven one day, I will no longer suffer from a 'Broken Mind'. It just feels like death just lingers around over my mind constantly.
I really dont think it is the mourning that I still suffer. I think it is the confusion of how my mind deals and processes death AS it happens. Looking back now I would have handled the loose of my child along with the loose of my Grandfather differently. I would not have jammed them both together. I would have mourned them separately for the people they were.
I haved learned that when you suffer from Bipolar disease, you react so different from other people on how your brain processes ANYTHING. It just does not slow down to deal with it rationally. When any type of conflict arises, no matter how big or small, your brain turns into the equivalent of 500 people in your mind screaming at the same time and you cant decifer not one voice, so therefore, you really have no control over your reaction because you cant even process your own thoughts. I think your own thoughts from these moments build up, and when your at a low, and things seem 'quiet', these built up things will jump up in your mind from no where. You wonder why in the world you are even thinking such things. Each one of those people you loose, all of a sudden you are grieving and mourning them at the same time. That is where your medication is so important. It is very important that you grieve each one of these people, and your medication will slow down your mind so you can do just  that. Iit hurts, its not pretty, but it is VERY IMPORTANT.
That is where I am right now. I have been on medication since December 29, 2011. I am now dealing with the loose of my child, my Grandfather, my Grandmother, and my best friend. They all passed couples. My Grandfather and my child. and thenem my Grandmother and my best friend. They have all hit me at once, but I am separating them into the individuals they were and am saying 'I will see you again' in my own way to each one of them.
The biggest guilt is I was not there for my children through these deaths. How could I be? I wasnt even there for myself. I cant go back in time and change things. I cant go back and have started medication when I was a young adult. I can just start for now.
There are days now when I just dont want to speak a word. I suppose my kids and husband think that I am in an ill mood, or having one of my spells, when actually, I am just thinking of things and processing things I should have years ago. When you go so many years and you havent processed one thought in 40 years, it will give you alot to think about.
So, as for today......I will love my family. I will try and react and handle life as I should, and I will take this one day at a time.

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